old post...

so much spinning in my mind
seems like i keep pushing the rewind button
no matter how bad i want to press fast forward
i cant figure out if im growning stronger or weaker
if im gaining or loosing
i just keep getting dizzy and everything becomes fuzzy
i want to be "crystal" clear
when the answers are right in front of me
i want to see them
when things get tough
i want to be stronger
when im beng lied to
i want to see the truth
ill be there one day....i hope

my body craves u..

my body craves it....
not just sex its self...
but sex with u..
it drives my body..
with passion,
i want your body against mine..
with nothing on..
feeling the warmth of your hands..
going all over my body...
you know your way around my body...
and it drives me crazy...
your kiss sends chills down my spine,
your touch makes me melt,
your bite makes me want more,
and your lick makes me tingle,
i crave to have sex with u...
its like my body needs it...
no one could ever measure up to the way...
u make my body feel...
i never imagined such a powerful bond or connection...
its like we were made to have sex together...
its torture to be away...
my body craves to be against yours...
to feel you inside me...
just writing this and thinking is torture...
i'm scared this desire will never go away....
i don't want it to but it has to...
my body craves u....

where is he?

where is he? this...this guy im in love with?
people always say, "i cant believe your still single"
...i dont see how they cant believe it?
don't they realize i have pain?
and realize i'm in love with a guy that doesn't exist?
why do i have to be with someone?
i don't want anyone...
along tome ago i swore id never date again...
and honestly i think it went to my head...
everyone says "ull find a better guy"
HA...i doubt that.
they cant even see the one im in love with...
well because he doesnt exsist...
i know he is there...somewhere
i feel his touch,
his presence.
and his whispers in my ear,
my heart knows him well...
yet i cant find him?
where is he? this...this guy i'm in love with?
everything about me longs for him..
yet i cant find him?
he must be in my dreams...
i'm taking it to far to reality...
maybe they're right...
he doesn't exist...
and i'm just dreaming...
wake up!
before they realize ur insane...

*to no one!! just a creation of mine*

not finished!!!!

well DAMN!!!!!!!!!!! lol
i love ur sexy ass body.
but hell i get told no just for kissin u?!
wat do u want!!?
ur like semi scewin with my head lol
watever....
i just wanna have fun and crap.
yea i want u back now but i wouldnt take u back now,
even if u begged.
yea i love u and i guess thats why i would say no
(not finished)

i get it... :)

I UNDERSTAND WHY U DID THIS,
I ACCEPT IT NOW, AND
I UNDERSTAND WHY U HURT TOO,
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS TIMMY,
FOR THE RECORD....
I WILL NEVER HATE U,
I WILL ALWAYS MISS
UR KISSES,
UR I LOVES YOUS,
UR AMAZING TOUCH,
AND US.
I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE IF UR EVER READY TO TRY AGAIN
UR WORTH EVERYHTING IN LIFE...
I APPERCIATE EVERYTHING UVE DONE
UR SOOOO AMAZING, AND U NEVER FORGET IT...
REALLY U CANT CAUSE WERE STILL FRIENDS AND ILL REMIND U
ALLLLL THE TIME. :)
I LOVE YOU SEXY REXY...(still ur nickname)

death in my head..... :O

my thoughts keep swirling around death...
like it would be the simpler choice without going through all this pain....
everynight...feeling like i keeps happening all over again,
i can barley sleep or eat....might as well be dead.
i wanted to hurt myself sooo many times since it happened...
but i cant bring myself all the way to do it...
i dont want that feeling but i keep having the thoughts of it...and these thoughts...
A. keep on living ur life and do great in school and accept it all and maybe u guys will be real close friends...
B. kill urself cause its the easy way and he is ur life and he will always have ur heart and not knowing if he will ever be urs again kills u already....
C. keep ur head up and try ur best to be ok with everything and be really close friends...
for one...u have my heart and ur just my everything...wether u understand that or not u are.
i dont think u ever understood how much i really do love u. two:i kno i can get through this but i want u two be my best friend and i want us to be so close and laugh at our memories....but i keep getting told that willl take along time....and i guess so since i dont kno how too put my feelings and wants away....idk anymore.....ugh.

shit!!!!! =''''( fuck everything!!!!

i have so much going through my head that its driving me crazy!!!
i dont kno wat to think or feel!!!!???
or wat to believe??!!!
how do i push away my feelings for u!?
all i want to do is cry and keep crying!!!
i dont even want to eat...and when i do i feel sick.
why cant this be a dream or why couldnt we have talked bout it before the desicion!!!
i fucking hate relationships now!!!
i told u that if i lost u i wouldnt date anyone else....and i meant it.
i dont want anyone else.
the sad part is...."if" we get another chance now i really will be soooo scared to loose u again!!!
why did u have to do this!! :(
i accept ur desicion....i think. im trying!!!!
of course i always am but it never seems like enough.
i told u i was afraid to loose u because everyone who means everything too me leaves me...
and u did. im sry i let it get between us....i would take it back in a heart beat.
a part of me thinks the space will be good.....maybe this can be the butterfly adage if its ment to be(which i hope it is...ur the first person i actually wanted to marry and start a life with) :(
the butterfly adage: "if u love something,let it go. if it returnsits urs, but if it doesnt it never was"
i guess deep down i never really felt like u would leave me...cause all i can think is how can u do this to me? and i never thought this would happen...
i guess i had too much hope on the inside...and i just didnt wanna show it.
all i want to do is roll up in a blanket with ur shirt on holding ur jacket and froggie and cry my eyes out and be left alone. i love u...i always will. ill always be here when ur ready...if u ever are. when u tell me to move on is when i will try....i guess.

da da de do? hahaha

peytons pretty,
the grass is green,
and frowns are upside down,
tell me something i dont kno...
i have pretty eyes,
nice figure,
great personality,
tell me something i dont kno...
"love is hard to keep",
"sex is all life is about",
"lifes to short",
tell me something i dont kno...
i complain,
i overthink,
im irresponsible,
tell me something i dont kno...
i do kno...
timmy is amazing,
i love him,
he deserves to always be happy,
i do kno...
i love my friends,
they are always there,
they make me laugh,
i do kno...
im pretty,
im weird,
im crazy,
i do kno...
im happy,
im having fun,
im inlove,
da da de do?
hahaha....

hahaha....idk?

BLAH!!!
u kno that feeling u get?
like when u feel completely happy,
like ur life is just absolutely amazing....
then that one little thought fucks it up?
yea...i hate that.
then, what about that one day
thats just awesome!!!
and when u go back home...
its just competely dies.
i hate that to...
why does it seem that pple arent allowed to be happy?
we ask our selfs that day in and day out.
we take the blame for others, because we think it will help.
we make our selfs not happy.
we keep the thoughts and bothers closer than what makes us happy.
and it seems like everytime things go good, it always seems to come crashing down.
pple put them selfs down more than what goes on around.
it will never be solved...
life is like a never ending puzzle...
u keep getting all the pieces but as soon as u find where a piece goes
the puzzles grows bigger. haha..
^_^

ONE OF MY WORST DREAMS!!! :'(

fuck..ok.
i had a dream.
idk why but me, timmy,and she were all hanging out.
blah...and everything was going pretty good.
but after a while she left and said goodbye to me and timmy.
and of course heather was some wat annoyed by she...
and when went to say i love u heather...the words that came out of his mouth
hurt me to the core.
he said i love u she!!
to fucking heather!!
ugh....its happened once before and im is so fucking scared
it will happen again..
i HATED THAT DREAM..NIGHTMARE...WTF EVER.
i hate that i had it...ugh.
i dont EVER want to have that again..or something similar!!!!

...ugh.

i feel like im missing something that is happening right in front of me.
im scared,im worryed....and i just dont want to loose u..
:(
i feel like were hiding stuff from each other.
i think its just cause im not near u as much...
blah.
my mom is a pain in the ass...
and im always so tired even more now.
stupid fucking nightmares and dog.
i hate almost crying every night!
i wish...

blah..shit fuck...

fuck...
so i have my stupid girlfriendness
and for some reason...jealously?
ugh....stupid girls.
why do u have to be sooo amazing!!! :)
lol blah...i swear im not complaining that ur amazing!!!
grrr...i dont wanna share u though!!! lol
i even told myself, i wouldnt be like this....damn it.
i dont even kno why i feel like this towards her...blah
............FUCK!!!
i dont think its gonna go away either...blah.
writing about it..isnt helping either......
shit...i dont even kno her and i already cant stand her...blah.....
ugh....im sry!!! :(

hehehe....selfish...blah. :P

this may sound selfish...but
i really only want u for myself most of the time lol
i love u....
i cant help but always wannabe with u
and kiss u...which i only got to TWICE today!!! :(
didnt like that result...
and i just love being with u!!!
grrr....im such a hog. lol
i need to see u...
hahaha...when dont i?

duh...dUH...DUH...

..blah.
stupid shity situations!!!
they suck ass!!
i was fucking scared outta my mind and crying..
ugh....i understand ur going through alot but mom its not my fault..
anyways..
school is ok to have back
somethin to do...
i get to see timmy everyday :D
and my friends...
my classes are ok...
i got friends in almost all my classes...
woo.......

.......

why does this feeling keep coming back? :(
i dont like it...
idk wat else to say..
i feel lost without u beside me....
i need u so much....
i love u so much....

i love u....

ok...
I LOVE YOU!!!
ONLY YOU!!
AND EXACTLY THE WAY U ARE!!!
I LOVE HOW U ARE!!!
I LOVE HOW U ACT!!!
I LOVE UR SMILE!!!
I LOVE UR FLAWS!!!
I LOVE UR KISSES!!!
I LOVE THE WAY U HOLD ME!!!
I LOVE THE WAY U LISTEN!!!
I LOVE THE WAY U CARE!!!
I LOVE THAT U TRUST ME!!!
I LOVE SPENDING TIME WITH U!!!
I LOVE HOW HOTT U ARE!!!
I LOVE THAT UR ALWAYS THERE FOR ME!!
BUT MOST OF ALL I LOVE THAT U LOVE ME FOR ME....
I LOVE SO MANY THINGS ABOUT U!!!
U WILL NEVER BORE ME AND I WILL NEVER GET TIRED OF U!!!
I LOVE U WITH ALL MY HEART AND FOREVER!!!
:) ;) :P

MY BIGGEST FLAW......is the worst ever!!!!!!!

fuck!!!
ok so my biggest flaw is....
over thinking the smallest thing that bothers me!!!
and in the end its nothing and stupid to let bother me!!!!
its retareded.....
sometimes i wish i didnt have that lovely flaw.../:
man...everytime we do "stuff"
i feel like u think thats all i want
and its not!!!
but see i put one little thought in my head
and just let it keep nagging at me
and i try to forget but no i cant
soo yea...then i start overthinking it
and then eventually....im not ok.
then when i talk about it....it was stupid to let bother me.
idk....ha

..hhmmm

when i saw u i was afraid to meet u,
when i met u i was afraid to kiss u,
when i kissed u i was afraid to love u,
now that i love u, im afraid to loose u.

why the hell am i writing about u?!

u randomly send me a message on facebook sayin
so u and timmy huh?
and im like yea...ha (knowing u already knew we were together)
so i decide lets talk so we went on IM and u start
asking me questions.....and i ask u a question..u said no.
idk..just kinda felt like i was missing something
ugh...i try to be ur friend
i told u something really personal
and so did u....
i told u how is kinda jealous of u
and i asked u a question
and u got kinda snappy with me
and i told u i didnt mean anything by it
then we were ok and all
but u still erck me sometimes
my friend says ur territorial....-_-
i kno ur very protective of him
but ur not the only one!!!! :/
and then i told u how he might not hang out with JUST u
cause of my friends and my stupidness
and u freaked out!!
i apologized like 10 times!
and i told u i didnt mean for that to happen
and that i was trying to fix it....
now ur not even texting me...wtf?
eh....watever!! :P
god.im so fucking pathetic sometimes. lol

Airplanes by.B.O.B ft. haley williams

can we pretent that airplanes
in the midnight sky
are like shooting stars
i could really use a wish right now (wish right now) (wish right now)
can we pretend that airplanes
in the night sky
are like shooting stars
i could really use a wish right now (wish right now) (wish right now)

yeah
i could use a dream or a genie or a wish
to go back to a place much simpler than this
cause after all the partyin' and smashin' and crashin'
and all the glitz and the glam and the fashion
and all the pandemonium and all the madness
there comes a time where you fade to the blackness
and when you're staring at the phone in your lap
and you hoping but them people never call you back
but that's just how the story unfolds
you get another hand soon after you fold
and when your plans unravel
and they sayin' what would you wish for
if you had one chance
so airplane airplane sorry i'm late
i'm on my way so don't close that gate
if i don't make that then i'll switch my flight
and i'll be right back at it by the end of the night

can we pretend that airplanes
in the midnight sky
are like shooting stars
i could really use a wish right now (wish right now) (wish right now)
can we pretend that airplanes
in the night sky
are like shooting stars
i could really use a wish right now (wish right now) (wish right now)

somebody take me back to the days
before this is was a job,before i got paid
before it ever mattered what i had in my bank
yeah back when i was tryin' to get a tip at a subway
and bacl when i was rappin' for the hell of it
but now a days we were rappin' to stay relevant
i'm guessin that if we can make some wishes outta airplanes
then maybe yo maybe i'll go back to the days
before the politics that we call the rap game
and back when ain't nobody listened to my mix tape
and back before i tried to cover up my slang
but this is for the decatur,what's up bobby ray
so can i get a wish to end the politics
and get back to the music that started this shit
so here i stand and then again i say
i'm hopin' we can make some wishes outta airplanes?

can we pretend that airplanes
in the midnight sky
are like shooting stars
i could really use a wish right now (wish right now) (wish right now)
can we pretend that airplanes
in the night sky
are like shooting stars
i could really use a wish right now (wish right now) (wish right now)

i could really use a wish right now
i could really use a wish right now (wish right now)
like shooting stars
i can really use a wish right now (a wish right now,a wish,a wish,a wish
right now)